On Being Kind
Why be kind? In a harsh, “kill or be killed” (M-17.7:11) world, perhaps in being kind, we risk baring our neck to a blood-thirsty predator. Perhaps kindness is a luxury, something only a few can afford. If we take the world to be real—including our bodies—then safety in the world may well depend on routine “me first” unkindness. No matter our perspective on the reality of the world, there is no question that the practice of kindness is not the norm in the world. So, why be kind? What A Course in Miracles would say is that by practicing kindness in seeing shared interests and in seeing ourselves as united with others, we gradually awaken from the dream that projected the world in the first place. But in the meantime, even though we experience ourselves living in a chronically unkind world, kindness is a useful skill to cultivate. At the very least, being kind depends on understanding or intuiting another’s perspective and taking it into account. What we say or do is then informed by that. Even in a dog-eat-dog world, people often respond well when they recognize that we are being considerate of them. While kindness does not guarantee kindness in return, it can certainly promote it, at least down the line. The practice of kindness not only reminds us of our true nature as loving Spirit, it also quietly reminds others of their true nature as well. As the Course says, “One brother is all brothers. ²Every mind contains all minds, for every mind is one” (W-161.4:1-2).
What, then, is kindness? In addition to consideration of others, kindness is gentle and it is patient. There is confusion about this in the world. Being critical of another person at work or at home can be seen as positive because it is honest and forthright. This approach may even be thought of as kind because it “tells it like it is” and because it is “just what the person needs to hear.” From this standpoint, gentleness and patience could be seen as too indirect and as side-stepping issues. While it is true that directness may communicate more quickly and may “cut through the fluff,” it also comes at a cost: it ruffles feathers! Few like hearing criticism or harsh feedback, especially our loved ones. Whether or not the person “needs to hear it,” as the one giving the feedback believes, criticism often evokes feelings of anger, guilt, or shame; it can lead the recipient to respond with anger or to withdraw. At the very least, this is counter-productive; at worst, it damages the work or love relationship. When feedback is called for, giving it with genuine kindness can actually be most effective.
The source of all genuine kindness is Love, and at a practical level, kindness is anything we think, say, or do that originates from our right mind, namely from the thought system of love in our minds. A Course in Miracles teaches that each of us has two thought systems in our minds, the thought system of love and the thought system of fear. The thought system of fear reigns in the illusion of space and time that we believe we live in, giving rise to a world that is habitually unkind. As we start out in life, we are not even aware that we are thinking with this thought system moment to moment because it is completely automatic. It teaches that we are small, flawed beings living in an unpredictable and dangerous world. The thought system of love—equally available to everyone at all times—teaches that our true nature is eternal Spirit, united with everyone and everything. It helps us to see that there is another way of looking at anything that we experience. Learning to think with this thought system leads us to eventually remember our Reality as Love. At any moment in time, we are making a choice of which thought system to think with. The journey through our lives can be undertaken as one of retraining our minds to think with the thought system of love. In support of this retraining process, we can develop a relationship with a Teacher or Guide in our minds. The Course refers to this Teacher as “the Holy Spirit.” Even so, this Teacher or Guide can be any symbol of love, peace, joy, or wisdom that is beyond this world, including a Higher Self, the Tao, and the Great Spirit. Leaning into this Teacher or Guide as situations arise and choosing to practice kindness can help us to become more effortlessly right-minded.
Understanding that we have these two thought systems in our minds gives further perspective on kindness and criticism. If we find ourselves feeling compelled to correct someone, we can ask ourselves if we are thinking with the thought system of love or with the other thought system in our minds, which A Course in Miracles often simply calls, “the ego.” The following Course quote, from the section, “The Correction of Error” in Chapter 9, contrasts kindness from the standpoint of the ego and from the standpoint of Love:
To the ego it is kind and right and good to point out errors and “correct” them. ²This makes perfect sense to the ego, which is unaware of what errors are and what correction is. ³Errors are of the ego, and correction of errors lies in the relinquishment of the ego. ⁴When you correct a brother, you are telling him that he is wrong. ⁵He may be making no sense at the time, and it is certain that, if he is speaking from the ego, he will not be making sense. ⁶But your task is still to tell him he is right. ⁷You do not tell him this verbally, if he is speaking foolishly. ⁸He needs correction at another level, because his error is at another level. ⁹He is still right, because he is a Son of God. ¹⁰His ego is always wrong, no matter what it says or does. (T-9.III.2:1-10)
Any day of the week, we could be talking to someone or reading or hearing something, like a post on social media or something on the news. Perhaps the person holds an opinion counter to ours, or seems to have the facts wrong, or is about the make a decision that we think is unwise. We have an opportunity to practice kindness. We can pause and turn inwards, asking our Teacher or Guide: what is the kindest path forward? If we are coming from our right minds, we will experience a sense of calm. We may choose not to respond, even in our thoughts. Or if we choose to respond in words or action, we would respond with patience and gentleness. By remembering our connection with everyone, whether they are familiar to us or strangers, we recognize that we are not separate egos, one telling another what to think or do; we are one united Mind dreaming of being separate bodies. All minds are joined, and our kind thoughts and actions remind each of us—as well as one another—of this, whether immediately and directly, or at some other level that may not even be conscious.
The practice of kindness excludes no one, including ourselves. Many of us are much more patient and gentle with others than we are with ourselves. Our private thoughts, when directed to ourselves, can be breath-takingly harsh, unkind, and even cruel. We may regularly say horrible things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. After an exchange with a coworker or a friend, we might berate ourselves for the “stupid” things we said. When we make a mistake, like grabbing the wrong item from the cupboard, we might call ourselves “an idiot.” If we put off a task or fail to follow through on a responsibility, we are “lazy” or “irresponsible.” For some of us, there is a running commentary of self-criticism that carries on throughout the day, occupying a channel that is never switched off, like Muzak in the elevator or retail store, except less, “Love Me Tender,” and more, “The Murder” from Psycho. Our self-judgments and assumptions of unworthiness evoke guilt and raise anxiety. They take away our peace and regularly confuse us about our true nature. That is the ego thought system of fear “talking.” Life-long habits don’t change all at once, and yet learning to notice these thoughts without judging them helps to retrain our minds. We can call on our Teacher or Guide for help with this. As we learn to notice automatic, self-condemning thoughts, we can start to be gentler with ourselves. The ego will often ‘speak first’ (T-5.VI.3:5), but the Holy Spirit will gently correct that error. As A Course in Miracles teaches, “The ego speaks in judgment, and the Holy Spirit reverses its decision, much as a higher court has the power to reverse a lower court’s decisions in this world” (T-5.VI.4:1).
The Workbook of A Course in Miracles tells us to remember that “Kindness created me kind” (W-67.2:4). To bring this memory closer and closer to our awareness, we practice kindness. The experience of being kind often brings some peace or joy with it. But even if our kindness seems to fall flat or seems to evoke a negative outcome, we can keep in mind it’s true value in connecting us with our unending Source that inspires all kindness. Our kind thoughts, words, and actions are our legacy, but not the kind that is bequeathed in a will or written about in history books. Our legacy of kindness is eternal, just like our Source. Our kindness has no past and it has no future, because it just is, without end. In the words of the Voice of A Course in Miracles, which is the Voice for Oneness,
How can you who are so holy suffer? ²All your past except its beauty is gone, and nothing is left but a blessing. ³I have saved all your kindnesses and every loving thought you ever had. ⁴I have purified them of the errors that hid their light, and kept them for you in their own perfect radiance. ⁵They are beyond destruction and beyond guilt. ⁶They came from the Holy Spirit within you, and we know what God creates is eternal (T-5.IV.8:1-6).
A Course in Miracles was scribed in the late 1960s and early 1970s and, congruent with the time, it uses a lot of gendered language. In this regard, it is similar to much older spiritual texts. Reality is One, with no form or gender. From the standpoint of the Course, all dualism is metaphor, including binary gender. Because this blog is being written in the 21st century, I endeavor to be congruent with this time, and so I use more gender-neutral language.
A Course in Miracles is published by The Foundation for Inner Peace. All the books comprising the Course, along with the supplemental pamphlets, are now found online:
https://acim.org/acim/en
All quotations of A Course in Miracles in this blog post are drawn from this version of the Course.
“Love Me Tender,” is a song made famous by Elvis Presley and written by Ken Darby.
“The Murder” is part of the score of the film, Psycho and was composed by Bernard Herrmann. The film was directed by Alfred Hitchcock and first distributed by Paramount Pictures in 1960.